Many of my correspondents tell me of the type of self-harming they practice and the things they do to humiliate the
body they live in. Some of the stories are quite shocking and I must admit as abnormal as my life has been, it surprised me
greatly the way some of my correspondents set about self-harming and humiliating themselves.
Since starting my web page some 4 or 5 years ago, I have traveled many a road in pursuit of knowledge into understanding
self-harming and its causes. Over the years I have made many friends and heard many stories of how and why they started self-harming.
In preparing this additional page to my site, I have asked many of my correspondents
if I could use some of their stories to highlight why and how self-harming effects us on a more personal basis. They have kindly given me their permission, so I hope you find the following stories informative, remembering
the core of so much self-harming seems to have its origins in mental and physical abuse.
One person who could not cope with the hatred he felt for himself, set on a course of humiliation and self-destruction,
which I will explain more about in the next few columns. (His full permission was obtained)
Let me say now, some of the following is quite graphic and of a sexual nature.
He would go to picture houses, cinemas, frequented by homosexuals who were looking for casual sex, now he himself is
not homosexual but let men practice sexual gratification on him so as to punish and humiliate himself. He would go back day after day until he felt the self-loathing had reached its peak and he felt fore filled
in his quest for self-loathing and haltered for what he had done.
Now
I thought self-harm was all about cutting, banging heads, breaking bones etc, what I was learning in a very short time was
the fact that there was many other forms self-harming that had never crossed my mind.
Many self-harmers are and have been victims
of sexual abuse and a continuation of the sexual abuse seems very prevalent even after their abuser has stopped, let me elaborate.
Some of my correspondents of both sexes were, and are, victims of sexual abuse. Now like me you may have thought the first
thing a sexually abused person would do on finding freedom from the abuser would be to take all precautions to avoid a repetition
of their personal nightmares. So why do we seek more ways of a continuation of
this hellish and humiliating way of life?
I started reading lots of material on
the subject of sexual abuse and found a repetition of the sexually abused becoming victims of their own past in a way many
people will find hard to comprehend. An addiction to something that blighted your life is more than most of us can comprehend.
If you can think of the loathing an abused person feels for him/herself then perhaps we can begin to understand. They hate
themselves so much, feeling somehow it was their fault the abuse took place they set on a course of self-destruction. Hence inflicting on them the worse form of punishment, i.e., the very evil they have
just been set free from.
I cannot begin to explain the workings
of the mind and the many avenues and byways that lie within but I am beginning to understand a victim is never truly freed
of his or her abuse.
A Girl actually sought out a partner whom
she knew would abuse her and manipulate her, it truly is an addiction out of control.
Now I myself was physically and mentally
abused, never sexually I must add, and although I never sought out more of the same, at least not in the same guise, on closely
examining my past I was truly shocked at the way I have never stopped physically and mentally abusing myself.
From 16 years of age onwards I cannot
think of a period were I have not lived of prescribed drugs, these were for anxiety and depression, in addition there was
also the dreaded sleeping tablets, in addition, the constant alcohol abuse, the periods of not eating properly for days on
end and you begin to see it never really stopped.
So why do we need to extend the suffering?
What follows is purely my own thoughts on this subject and does not reflect anyone else’s thoughts on the matter.
When the initial abuse starts there is
an overwhelming feeling that you are guilty of making this person hate you so much and deserving of your punishment, which
leads to a feeling of disliking yourself for reasons you cannot understand, because you cannot understand what it was you
did to cause this outburst of abuse.
Realistically you have done nothing wrong,
the reality is you are the victim of an abuser and his or her needs and wants.
Already the distortion of thinking has
started and a gradual process is set in motion, which will eventually leave you unable to distinguish between fantasy and
reality. Personality disorder is a description that springs to mind. So the process
of erroneous thinking has started at the same time as the abuse is initially inflicted on the victim. So we are left in the
hands (if we are lucky) of psychiatrists, Psychologist, and Psychotherapists, etc.
Now they are in most cases not very comfortable
with self-harming for reasons only they know. My personal experiences have led
me to believe they are divided into two groups, one being of the opinion it is a attention seeking behaviour, while the other
half can not really comprehend the deepness of it all, SNAP.
So I am not blaming the, ‘professional
bodies’, only saying the following; More needs to be done in research
and support for this disturbing illness. It has blighted my life, and many millions
more!
The e-mails I get leave me very depressed
and helpless sometimes, feeling I must answer but cannot find the right words to help or support these poor individuals. Within
the media, self-harm is now getting lots of exposure, be it good and sometimes bad, so at least inroads are being made in
that direction.
Opinion amongst the public is getting
more towards thoughtfulness rather than shock and horror, reflected perhaps, by the numbers rising in self harming, i.e. someone
in their families are affected making them think more of the reasons behind the self-harming.
The fact that the numbers are rising is disturbing to put it mildly. Could it
be a reflection of a massive feeling of some sort of breakdown in the very fabrics of our society.
Families are becoming more and more like strangers, enhancing the feeling of
isolation. And contrary to what most politicians will have you believe a large number of families and individuals are living
in poverty both spiritually and financially. So these ingredients are far from healthy for all concerned.
The media in general has a lot to answer for turning out crass
television in the lorry loads coupled with large selling newspapers (if that is the right word?) telling people our whole
lives revolve around celebrities and there lifestyles. (Whom is reflecting whom) What are they trying to do? Make us all into state controlled idiots? It seems everywhere
you search you come up against the same crass tripe. Thank Goodness for radio
4, the last bastion of entertainment and honest opinion and news, that’s my view for all it’s worth.
On the positive side we have accepted self-harming is not a class thing, it does not belong to the socially deprived
alone, it is an illness that runs throughout all spectrums of society. This takes
away the stereotyping of the disfunctioning working class families which is so often connected with self-harmers.
My correspondents come from all walks
of life and social different backgrounds, what connects us all is the overwhelming feeling of living with restless and sometimes
tortured minds you would not wish on your worse enemy.
So with this established, more can be
done in understanding about self harming and not simplifying it as a working
class illness.
So here is to the next two years! By 2007 perhaps self harming can be properly diagnoses and action can be taken to
curing and helping it’s suffers.
A Big thanks to all my correspondents
for helping me achieve this work and research. And hold on to this,
‘EVERYONE WILL HAVE THERE DAY IN THE SUN”………
